Tough Mudder

This past weekend I acted on a fit of insanity I had in early may of this year, and ran a Tough Mudder. For those of you who don’t know a Tough Mudder is a 10-12 mile track filled with mud and various sadistic obstacles that one must traverse before getting to the finish line and be rewarded with a headband and some booze. Now I had originally singed up for this course which I was clearly not in shape in enough to complete in early may around 10 pm after working nine hours, clearly it was not a well thought out or wise choice. I had this grand plan to work out and run regularly so that once the end of August rolled around I would be more than ready to take on the course.

 

That…. did not happen.

 

Now I did run a bit, as evidenced by several posts over the past few months, but not nearly enough to constitute running ten miles through rough terrain and mud, let alone do a bunch of obstacles that require a great deal of upper body strength. The morning of the race rolled around as it was always going to do and me and my equally under prepared team got into a car and drove to Maine to face our doom, the only thing between us and the unforgiving abyss of ten miles of running and obstacles were some pretty rad t-shirts.

 

So there we were a bunch of cubicle monkeys, a little soft around the middle some how deluding ourselves that we could do this thing. Then we made the mistake of looking around and noticing that we were surrounded by Adonis and Nikes, that’s when we knew that we were finished. Undaunted by this fact we brought over our signed waivers and tickets and got ready to run. My friend Sarah an I snapped a quick selfie before the race, you know to use at the  memorial service.

Note while all of the following photos are of our course on our day none of them are actually of me or my team, save the first and the last. If I ever do get our photos from the run I will be posting a follow up but in the interest of actually writing this post, we use generics.

 

 

 

 

So now to the part you really come here for, the race. Mile one all seven of us were setting a pretty brisk pace, we had two people in our group who are legitimately athletic and they kept us hopping until we passed what can only be described as a mud slip and slide with barbed wire, and then bam! they were gone never to be seen again, turns out they finished the race 45 minutes before the rest of us.

Do you know what its like to literally swim through mud? I do, and while in theory its awesome, wait, actually in reality its also pretty awesome. But running 8 more miles after literally bathing in mud, not so much. Pro Tip: no matter how weird it feels do not take your shoes off to shake out the mud, it will do no good.

 

The rest of these obstacles just plain fun.

 

 

 

 

It may speak to my character that my all time favorite part was where we got to jump off of a high platform into a twelve foot deep pool of water. What can I say, I enjoy the adrenaline rush of falling, especially when the landing is so murky and unknown. This challenge does require you to be a pretty strong swimmer though as you have to get back to the surface and swim to the side in water clogged clothes. Extra bonus, it gets the mud out of your clothes pretty effectively.

 

 

You want something surprisingly fun? Try jumping into a shipping container full of ice after running seven miles. Granted I needed a pep-talk from the guy to the side of me, he’d done the race before and he walked me trough the worst of my nerves. The key, don’t think and just jump right in. You have to duck under a divider halfway through so completely submerging yourself in the ice cold water, and it locks you up like nothing else. Jumping out its best to keep moving as much as possible to get feeling back into your limbs. One girl in another group enjoyed it so much she went in three times earning her the unenviable nickname “enema amy”

 

I injure myself a lot in normal life, add me and my inability to stay together and giant walls, you get one seriously bumped and bruised blogger. Now the best part about this race is that you really rely on both your team and perfect strangers to get you up and over most of these barriers. Teamwork even from people who aren’t running with you is something that this race has you do, probably because of their close association with the army and the wounded warriors project. So unless you are a super human and don’t need it help is always just one moment away.

 

So that it, I clearly survived a ten mile trek through mud, though must of it was walked, or rather stomped. I came of out it exhausted, bumped, bruised, bleeding, but happy. We all shared a beer, yes even the ones who ran way ahead took a last minute celebratory picture and then headed to the paragon on athleticism and healthy living, Mcdonalds. Overall mudder evaluation 10/10 would absolutely do again (I’ve already signed up for next year)

 

 

Until the next race

 

-TGR

Office Exercises for Runners

So I like many folks out there spend an inordinate amount of time toiling away in an office. In my case I’m your typical young office monkey sitting in a cubicle that I will call home for a maximum of three months. And well I’ll be frank here, I am not good at sitting still for eight hours a day, I get twitchy from all the caffeine. So why have all those hours go to waste? I’ve scoured the web, books, and bullied friends for things that runners can do while at work.

Now I’m not saying that these moves wont get you weird looks, they most certainly will, but if you’re not the office nut whats the point of going to work in the first place?So here they are, Grumpy Runner tested HR approved exercises that can be done right at your desk.

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Lower Body Stretches

Ok kids, lets go back to gym class and start with some stretches.

Sit on the edge of your chair (lock your wheels if you have them, face plants are a no bueno) and extend one leg in front of you and keep the other bent. Grab your extend leg right on the quad and, keep your back straight while bending forward to stretch the hamstring. Repeat with the other leg.

Next cross your leg, place one ankle on the opposite knee, like you’re that jerk who takes up too much space in meetings.

The only time where it is acceptable to be this guy

Put one hand on the ankle and one on the knee of the raised leg, straighten your back and bend forward.

Now guaranteed this will make it look like you’re taking a good whiff of your feet or worse your crotch. But hey, its a small price to pay for the feeling of relief of getting to stretch the day after a torturous run.

 

Calf Exercises

 

 

 

These are pretty simple: just do some toe stands every so often. Whats a toe stand you ask?You know when you just can’t reach the candy on the top shelf at the grocery store and you streeeeetch to reach it?

Just do that, its like green eggs an ham, you can do it on a boat, with a goat, in a house and with a mouse. You like toe stands so much you can do them anywhere.

 

Toe Alphabet

While seated in a chair, cross one leg over the other so the top foot is floating.  Now let us regress a bit back to preschool when we were learning our letters.  Pretend your big toe is the pencil but like a toddler your dexterity is kind of crap, so you need to move your entire foot to make the letters as big as possible.  When you get to Z you will have realized that you still sing the alphabet song to remember which letter comes next and the fronts of your shins should be on fire.  Switch legs and repeat with the other foot.

You can do this exercise while in a meeting, but beware you may accidentally play footsie with your neighbor.

 

Core Strengthener and Twists

 

 

 

No need to get really weird and lay down on the dirty office floor work your (fl)abs. Sit upright on your chair, spread your feet for balance as evenly as possible wipe-out are probable. Now no slouching or lifting the pelvis lift your right foot off the floor hug your thigh towards your middle and keeping tummy muscles engaged. Pause, then lower and repeat with the left leg. Alternate for two sets of eight repetitions.

Sit sideways on your chair, put the chair back to your right. Now place both feet firmly and flat on the floor and please make sure your knees are in line with your hips, again wipe outs are the opposite of what we’re going for. Now with both hands clutch to the chair back for dear life, and gently rotate your torso the back of the chair, pushing the right hand away and pulling the left hand in towards you. Now awkwardly gave over your shoulder at your neighbor and hold the pose for around half a minute, repeat on the other side.

 

Back Stretcher 

 

 

Now I know that back bends are not exactly kosher in most professional environments, but thankfully you can stretch your back without even leaving your desk chair. Just sit forward in your chair, and grab one leg below the knee and lift it toward your chest,until you can stretch in your lower back. As with all things, even the sucker out by repeating with the opposite leg.

 

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And there you have it folks now you too can join me in using my office time to improve my running skills and make myself into the office wacko. Until next time kids!

 

-TGR

The Grump Is Back

I’m sure a few of you are thinking due to my the tone and content of my last few posts that I’ve dropped the grumpy part of this running routine and its all happiness, unicorns and magical running fairies right?

 

 

 

Please, if it was that easy I would have figured out this shit years ago. I have been running much more consistently lately and the happy runs have increased 1000% so about one every three months. I don’t know what happens on the grumpy runs, the music doesn’t pick me up the people on the trail are irritating rather than inspiring (grated I usually hate all people so I don’t know why I would ever find this surprising) and usually I narrowly miss stepping in dog turds. I go home feeling like I’ve wasted an hour of my time.

 

 

Sadly I lack a TARDIS to fix it.

 

Whats worse is when I do get home from my trek to nowhere I am as hungry as the she hulk, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve come home from a run and just started eating crap right from the fridge, and not normal stuff either no I’ll eat a hunk of cheese and deli meat as quick as you please. I don’t’ even like cheese and turkey but apparently running she hulk me does. Not to mention the pain the next day when it feels like my legs have been replaced with bricks. No, let’s mention that. I know you’ve probably gathered that I’m not exactly a little ray of sunshine in the morning, let me tell you on days after I run my normal self looks like a Disney princess.

 

accurate

 

Trying to get this butt out of bed after running is a no-go. Even the sweet sweet aroma of coffee brewing upstairs will not compel these legs to move, because they are no longer legs. They are manikin legs filled with cement. Now I don’t want to disillusion you here, running isn’t exactly the only thing that makes me irate. I am not a happy person in general and honestly i have no designs to become more positive about life in general. If fact if you really really want to piss me off the best thing to do will be to tell me to “look on the bright side” or the key “is a good attitude” will send me into a homicidal rage.

 

 

 

Despite my many personality flaws I want to be good at this damn it! Not only do I want to be good at this whole running business it would be nice if I liked it as well. What makes this apparent burning hatred/apathy so frustrating is that I know running can be fun, I’ve had run running. I’ve had fun running more than once. But I get into these funks where no matter what I try my runs and the days after are filled with so much grump I’m surprised I don’t morph into Dr. Cox from Scrubs. Whats worse is I have no solution, other than to keep on trucking and hope that the ratio moves from grumpy to happy.

Basically I’m in need of advice, how to you get over a running slump? Because I’m sure as shit out of ideas.

 

-TGR

I Run From Zombies

Well I certainly don’t run towards zombies, nobody in their right minds runs towards zombies. I also don’t run from actual zombies, they are still happily only a fictional experience, but I do have the most entertaining running app known to man. Zombies run is a story based running app that gives you audio bytes from your home base Abel township in between tracks from your music library. There are three seasons of varying lengths split up into episodes which can last between a half hour and an hour each depending on your preferences. I’ve been using this app (intermittently) since season one and I can honestly say that some times it is the only thing that gets me out and running.

 

 

I’ve actually gotten really attached to all the characters in the game especially Sam and Dr. Meyers, they are your life line to the little town of Abel. On runs I’ve had to stop because I was laughing too hard and there have been several runs where I’ve been unashamed to cry in public because of this app. All within the first season. I wont spoil the story because that would be meaner than even I am willing to be but even if you find the concept of zombies overdone and cliche I think the story carries the concept and makes it worthwhile.

 

 

 

One of the best things about this system is that it doesn’t matter how fast you are going before the zombies start to chase you down the street as long as you pick up the pace by 20% ish you can escape the zombie hoard to fight another day. So it doesn’t matter if you have and eight minute mile or if you’re like me and a twelve minute mile is a major victory as long as you improve upon your pace its possible to survive. One possible criticism I do have about it at the end of almost every audio clip the character says something along the lines of pick up the pace, or zombies are on their way but immediately following the transition into your music there isn’t a zombie chase. Very confusing on the first mission where there isn’t much in the way of a tutorial and the first friendly voice you hear is emphatically telling you to RUN! and you run, because you thing poor runner 5 is going to die and you exhaust yourself and then the actual zombie chase prompt comes on and then you actually die.  I will say that it is a nice reminder to keep your pace steady once you get used to the flow of the game but a tutorial would have been fabulous.

 

 

 

 

Now to the extra bit of gamification: your base. Once you finish your run you have certain supplies and materials that you’ve picked up to assist Abel, after you return to base you have the opportunity to allocate them within the township to upgrade buildings, assist with defense, and increase population. This feature isn’t really the selling point of the game, that would be the phenomenal voice acting and story but it is a nice way to see your running efforts make an impact on a place that you do become emotionally invested in.

 

Overall this is a fantastic app, highly recommended for anyone who enjoys a good zombie, a great story or just needs something to spice up a run.

 

Until next time

-TGR

VICTORY!

Today was a day of little wins.

Miracle of miracles I ran my first sub 12 minute mile. I am 100% sure it was due to the fact that I had zombies on my ass twice in that span of time. But hey I’ll take it. I actually had a bit of a mini freak out when my gps app announced my time, just as I was passing an older couple going the opposite way. They were treated to me jumping in the air and pumping my fist, and wearing an expression so stupidly happy it bordered on the absurd. I’m sure they thought that I had escaped from the loony bin abut at that moment I really couldn’t have cared less.

 

I actually went a full four miles without walking, granted it was still at my normal shamble/jog but this has been the longest distance I have been able to go without having to stop my trot to a walk. Granted the last mile or so was shambled out of a pure refusal to allow myself to have gone that far and end up walking at the end. Here’s the thing I found about setting a good pace, for me at the least the key is finding a song that you can really rock out to and lose yourself in it. It takes away the fatigue and really allows you to soar. I actually found myself singing along like a loon half way through when “come on feel the noize” came on. I’m sure the walkers on the trail thought I was a crazy person.

 

Speaking of music, I have had in my running play list a dubstep Lost Woods  by Ephixa along with several other mixes but it had yet to come up. Then a strangely appropriate time it came up.

oh you have got to be kidding me

 

I have to say there is very little more surreal than running through a landscape while listening to a song seemingly designed for it. I may as well have had a master-sword on my hip and a shield on my back. A little bit of geeking out apparently goes a long way with me, perhaps gamifying this running thing could work in the long term.
Weirdness upon weirdness I emerge from the trail to be greeted by what I can only assume is an AARP brigade with their equally old cars. None of them were there when I arrived and there was no indication that just such an event was happening that day, I would have parked a ways a way had I known.

 

 

Side note: when a exhausted runner politely asks you to move because your blocking her car move. I had to practically hit a centenarian to get him to vacate his viewing space.

In conclusion: running fast rocks, people suck.

-THR

 

Inconsistent Running

Wow, how long has it been kids? Almost a month? Yeah it turns out that I’m not particularly good at keeping up with either actually running or writing about it. So like the procrastinator I am I blamed my lack of interest in running on the fact that I no longer have access to the lake house from Location, Location, Location  weirdly enough the people who actually paid for the place want to use it in the summer. How inconsiderate of them.

So I wallowed, and bemoaned my lack of awesome scenic running venues, running through my city is just no fun. It also doesn’t help that my house is situated near a devil hill which kills any enthusiasm within the first five minutes. Until as I was complaining to a friend he said

 

“you know there is a lake like twenty seconds from your house right?”

 

…..

 

“no”

 

Turns out they were right there IS a lake with an honest to god running trail (26mi long!) not a ten minutes away from where I live. *Surprise* So making great use of my day off I grabbed my gear and found myself on what is apparently a really well known local land mark. Here’s the thing, running here was not only tolerable, it was fun. There is one big established trail that spans the full 26 miles but there are also those lovely little side trails with very little paths to connect them, the kind of place where you have to use little impromptu rock/branch bridges to get across.

 

 

I may have fallen in

 

It reminded me of being a kid on an adventure, music blasting through my ears I embraced the fun of not knowing where the hell I was, what I was doing or when I was going to get back to my car. Who needs little things like a trail map, or a GPS to let you know that you didn’t accidentally get yourself hopelessly lost? Certainly not me, in fact I was hoping that I might just run myself into Narnia or  Middle Earth. No such luck, but who can really complain when you’re running route now includes things like a drain pipe to run through?

 

Secret Tunnel!

 

Upon reflection it could be that the path to the left is going over the aforementioned drain pipe and I could have avoided it entirely. But where is the fun in that? I choose to run through the nasty drain pipe because adventure! Bonus: I found another race to run, a poster was stapeld to a bridge around two miles in, turns about the “Massabesic Mallard Madness’ crew really know how to do their marketing. Because hey, we’re clearly running this crap in our free time who better to run for a historical association? We’ll run for nothing but a race with a silly ass name.

 

you thought I was kidding?

 

 

Suffice to say I have found my new regular “day off” running spot. The trail is too long and too fun to run when I have to go into work. (I spent two hours there today) but with my schedule changing I may just come here more regularly. I even set a new distance record, six miles of a sad jog/walk/shamble down and only a million more to go.

 

 

 

 

Until next time folks!

 

-TGR

Location. Location. Location.

Ah the long fourth of July weekends, endless barbecues, family, friends, and in my case my roommates intolerable boyfriend coming for a visit. I needed to get out of town, fast. Thankfully I have a ready made escape that works like a charm every time king ding-a-ling comes a calling

 

It even comes with its own beacon.

 

 

So I packed up my car and drove an hour north to spend the weekend at the lake. The minute I landed at the house I realized that it was far far to windy for my normal lake activities, swimming, kayaking etc. So true to my goal of trying to find a way to love this devil activity known as running. I grabbed by shoes and came up with a game plan. Now i had never run up here before and unlike my neighborhood back home there isn’t a good looping trail or series of roads for me to follow. Its one road in and out  not a lot of room for creative mapping of a route with this one. So I opted to take two episodes from the fantastic zombies run! app (which truly deserves a post of its own) and see how far I could run through one episode turn around from there and use the second episode to run the same route back.

 

I mean It wasn’t an unmitigated success when you travel to get a change of scenery you kind of expect a bit of a WOW moment when taking in the landscape from foot. Don’t get me wrong, those moments did happen, but the vast majority of my run consisted of the slightly less thrilling scene of the turnpike.

 

 

Not exactly a stunning view.

 

 

Visuals aside the run was actually surprisingly pleasant-ish. I think getting away from the same old routes that I’m used to running back home was a good break, normally after a 1/2 mile or so I start to do a bit of a weeze and am generally reduced to a slow shamble jog/run combo around mile 1 (if I make it that far) I don’t know if it was the change in elevations or the lack of ginormous hills around the lake but I was able to go around a mile and a half before the experience became truly painful. I was also weirdly impressed with how far I managed to run, perhaps my sense of distance is just naturally way off but I never expected to go as far as the one grocery store in this small town. (I checked once I got back, its only a little under two miles away, but hey I was impressed at the time!) but I passed it before my first episode was over, and then I spend the rest of the run wishing I had thought to bring cash to get some water.

 

NO WATER FOR YOU UNPREPARED IDIOT

 

Next time I guess…  Overall the one hour run was only four miles long giving me a very slow 15 minute mile but you know what coming back to the cabin and being able to jump into the lake directly after the run made it so much easier to get back, some thing to look forward to.  Maybe its not so much how you run but where you run that makes a difference in how tolerable the experience is.

 

I mean, pretty hard to be grumpy looking at this.

Why Run Grumpy?

Here is all you really need to know: I hate running.

Like really, really hate running. I’ve tried it plenty of time, bought the shoes, tied them to my feet and slowly shambled down the road with a permanent scowl on my face. I finish my trek around the neighborhood a short distance but it takes me such a long time. Sit down and wonder why the hell I thought it was a good idea in the first place. For the life of me I can’t achieve the happy gait of those insufferable stock photos. You know the ones.

I mock your pain

 

Yes, those. No one should be that happy when running.  When people tell me that they like running, how super fun it is, the euphoria of the runner’s high, and the sense of accomplishment from finishing a race. I whisper liar to myself. There is no earthly way this person is telling me the truth, surely running for them is as an excruciating experience for them as it is for the rest of us mere mortals. But they persist with their allocations of enjoyment, some even go so far as to insinuate that there was a time where they disliked this as much as I do now, that there is a corner to turn and suddenly its not just tolerable but fun.

 

The thing is I want to like running, I see people trot pass me like some sort of majestic gazelles with a big goofy smile on their faces. I want to be that majestic happy gazelle actually enjoying exercise. I want to run in those weird races where people chuck colored powder at my face (seriously though what is with that?), I want to run 26.2 miles voluntarily, I want to run happy.

 

Damn it I will make you love me.

 

The problem is I can’t for the life of me conceive of a way to alter my brain to make the processes of running enjoyable, besides running like the grumpy old coot that I am in the hopes that one day a miracle will occur. Like Pinocchio being turned into a real boy by the blue fairy, perhaps by acting the part the gods of running with take pity of me and turn me into a “real runner” . Here’s to hoping that my wish comes true, and if I figure out an easier way in the meantime I’ll be sure to let you know.

 

-TGR